Wednesday, February 20, 2008

We Hack You Because We Love You And You Never Take Our Calls

Over the past several months, an undisclosed number of Americans estimated to be greater than the combined fan bases of four average large-market major-league sports franchises may have received an email disguised as spam containing a version of the following encrypted message:

We are writing to inform you that you have been hacked.

We have been aware of you for quite some time, and have taken an interest in your activities.

Please be advised that we have made numerous attempts to make contact with you via traditional avenues.

We have approached you in public and, while seemingly uncomfortable with small-talk, you have on occasion been exceptionally charming and we’d like to see more of that please.

Some of us have attempted to befriend you, but you have become guarded and make yourself socially unavailable.

We have repeatedly sent inquiries into your well-being by post, but you have discarded them as junk without so much as reading between the lines.

On more than one occasion, we have sent you messages in Fortune Cookies, which some of us consider to be pretty darn creative and an impressive logistical accomplishment.

We have crammed your bills and statements with exorbitant fees in an attempt to get you on the phone just so we can hear your voice but, after we dedicated valuable time and resources tapping your land-line you never use it anymore and we have been unable to access your cell because someone else is hogging it. We miss hearing your voice.

On several occasions, some of us have tried to send work your way, but we are unsure what exactly it is you want to be doing.

There are those of us who still think you might be up to something shady. They have been responsible for withholding your paychecks in the mail and delaying your bank deposits in an attempt to see where you really get your money because they find it hard to believe that you make as little as you do.

They have also been intercepting the resumes, job applications and queries you’ve been sending out and responding with those clever rejections. Based on the way they talk about you, we think it’s because deep down they wish you'd come work for us. And some of them are jealous.

For there are those of us who are simply wild about you, and we believe it is better for us to continue to admire you from afar lest we go mad. We’ve been down that road before and know it could only ever end in tears.

You should be aware that your friends, neighbors and co-workers have been instrumental in keeping us informed as to your whereabouts at considerable profit to themselves and expense to us and we don’t think they really love you.

We know you’re having a difficult time, and we want you to know that we believe in you. Hang in there!

FYI, the view from your webcam goes from the window to the couch.

copyright, © 2008 Andy Biscontini